Forces of nature: ETERNITY
by Cuddles101
Summary: McBreezy's Challenge - Cal/Gillian, prompt 'SNOW'. Only one thing stands above the cruel hand of time, only one thing is eternal, bright and pure as endless vast of snow. Set post season 3.


**Forces of nature:****ETERNITY**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the LTM characters, nor make any profit out of this.

**Summary:** McBreezy's Challenge - Cal/Gillian, prompt 'SNOW'. Only one thing stands above the cruel hand of time, only one thing is eternal, bright and pure as endless vast of snow.

**Warnings:** character death – sorry for that (*sigh*)

* * *

_Where one thing dies, something else can be created_

_Though its truth you find, its innocence you lose…_

_/ Song: Crushed&Created, Caitlyn Smith /_

* * *

For anybody else it was just a piece of paper, something that could be lost, thrown away and forgotten, but for Gill it was the world. Since the wrinkled and tumbled envelope reached her, it never left her mind.

For millionth time she held it in her delicate fingers, folding and unfolding, but never quite opening - too afraid to read it, too afraid to put it away.

Only one word in familiar handwriting decorated slightly dirty and worn cover:

'_Gillian'_

One word, her name, but the way it was written held so many meanings. At times like this she wished to have no expertise in handwriting. It would be so much simpler to pretend, to make herself believe that it was just a letter, one like any other, when in fact it wasn't. It was the letter from him, first one he had written, and last one she would ever receive. Cold hand squeezed her heart at the realisation. Hot tears fell down ghostly pale cheeks covering the tracks of the dried ones.

With a deep sight Gill summoned all the courage concealed in the depths of her grief filled soul and with trembling fingertips retrieved the content. Several water damaged pieces of paper inscribed from all sides fell into her palm.

His last words, final message.

Slightly blurred lines became alive in front of her mind eye as she started to read. Cal's deep accent filled voice filled the empty office room, his presence so vivid as if he had never left. It felt like one of those many conversations when he spoke and she listened.

It had always been their dynamics. Cal – a full blown storm of emotions he not always knew how to express, and she – his calm harbour, his confidante and comrade, always there to listen and support.

Not even his death changed that.

_Darling,_

_Why good intentions always start with "you were abso-bloody-lootely right" and "I should have listened to you"? My own bullheadedness got me in this mess. I should have out-waited the blizzard back at the station as you tried to persuade me over the phone. I never should have driven right in the middle of this swirling inferno. _

_Well, as they say – a road to hell is pawed with good intentions. _

_With GPS down and mobile out of coverage I feel completely lost. All I see is snow. Like soldiers of the heaven billions of snowflakes whirl into the windshield making it impossible to see through. Nothing besides pure whiteness surrounds me since the car slid down the edge of what I thought was a road. I'm completely stuck. More I try to dig out, deeper the car sinks._

_I can see how your brows knot together and that line of worry deepens on your forehead, the way it does every time I do something reckless and dangerous. No need to worry, I'm not hurt. It will turn out just fine, it always does. With time we will look back and laugh at this over a glass of good old scotch. That is a thought to behold. What I wouldn't give for liquor, anything with quinine. _

_Tonight the blizzard is too strong to even think of leaving the car, but in the morning I will try to dig out or find a help. Luckily the fuel indicator is still at half. It should keep me warm enough. Good night and sweet dreams, luv._

_..._

_The fact that it is brand new day is proved only by the clock. Opposed to the fuel tank, the storm has not shrunk even a bit. I tried to open the doors, but the wind almost knocked me off the feet. All I can do right now is to make myself as comfortable as possible and wait. _

_Who would have thought that this last case will literally get me off the rail? _

_Hope you are not letting Ria and Eli have too much freedom. You are too soft with them. I'm afraid I will have to pull the leash when I get back, otherwise the feel of permissiveness can get addictive._

_..._

_It is late afternoon. Pale light of the sunless day has almost disappeared, but at least the wind has finally subdued. The air outside is freezing; it burns my lungs with frosty intensity. The silence around is almost deafening. Endless white fields surround me as far as the horizon itself. Not a single house, tree or even electricity pole. I'm in the middle of bloody nowhere. _

_I will find a way out of this. Cross your fingers and wish me luck. I'm gonna need one._

_..._

_Sorry for the handwriting. My fingers are still frozen from the walk. It is cold outside, too damned cold. I can literally feel my brain cells freeze._

_I got up the hill. There is nothing in ten miles radius. The horizons are tricky. You head towards them and they keep receding._

_The car is stuck too deep to get it out on my own. I left a huge trail spelling SOS in the field and that was about the best I could do. _

_The fact that even before I got stuck, I was way off the route does not encourage. _

_..._

_The stupidest part is that there is no one to blame, but myself. It is amazing how much easier it is to accept the reality when it is someone else's fault. Human mind operates in a strange way. _

_Despite my brilliance, with this reckless act I could aim for Darwin's award, if it ever gets to that point. _

_I can see your face darken at my words. Don't take them so seriously, luv. It was just a joke. You'll see. I will come out of this in one piece._

_..._

_Should have taken more water, something eatable and warmer clothing. I'm completely off the grid, in the middle of no man's land. It will be sheer miracle if someone finds me here._

_..._

_Sitting here for hours with nothing to do gets me inclined to philosophy._

_Everything around is dazzlingly white, like a chaste linen blanket cast upon the land equally hiding the ugliness and the beauty of the world. Somewhat the snow is very understandable, even predictable. Its whole history from the first snowflake to the last melted droplet is plain and simple, no hidden agenda, no underwater rocks, no truth or lies, only infinite peace. _

_The land around me is desolated, not a single form of life, no movement whatsoever. The place is so lonely and cold that I can almost feel the essence of the stony and grim frost bitten mountains. Somewhere in the silence I hear almost inaudible sad laugh of its spirit. It is as mirthless as the savage and heartless wild itself._

_If I had a map, a compass or I knew how to navigate by stars, I could find the direction the same way our ancestors did. It is truly scary how much we are used to rely on technology and how helpless we get when it lets us down._

_..._

_It is the middle of the night. Almost tangible silence affects my taut nerves like many atmospheres of the deep affect a diver. It is even more irritating than loud bang of disco music coming from your neighbour's house at four in the morning on weekday. _

_The weight of endless vast and almost scaring solace is crushing. _

_I have rarely been afraid to face my enemies eye to eye, but the unseen ones I'm facing now – Anxiety, Regret and Despair is completely different story. They make me feel so isolated and forgotten that it is difficult not to fall on the knees and yield. Makes me realise that there are no fearless people. Fearless are only moments, certain situations, but not the men. With the right trigger everyone can be pushed over the edge._

_..._

_Hours go by with agonising slowness. Pale light of afternoon breaks through frost worked windows. _

_The God does not hear lone soul wailing in sad fierceness. The hopelessness of the situation makes me angry at myself, at life, at universe. _

_Question 'why' does not leave my mind. _

_I want to trash everything around me in righteous anger, but at the same time I realise the silliness of the act. _

_The problem with the rage against the Universe is the lack of appellation. There simply is no higher instance to complain on the judgement. _

_The forces of nature are mysterious in their way and cruel with their power. We just have forgotten all about it living in our comfortable houses in overheated cities, working over-busy jobs, buying overrated things._

_..._

_It is night again. The fuel ran out several hours ago. The cold seeps in from even smallest cracks attacking me with enviable cruelty._

_There are so many unanswered questions in my mind that it is hard to make any order in the chaos. The whole situation makes me think of life, of all the things I've done, of all the choices I made._

_..._

_Did I tell you that my dad and I were never good at expressing emotions, afraid to show our feelings? _

_After mom killed herself it became unspoken rule. I always dreaded to become like him, stone cold and unforgiving. Like a heartless statue. At the same time I have always known how similar we were. _

_I never forgave myself that I didn't see the agony on my mother's face on that fateful day, but you already know all that. _

_There are things no one knows about me, but you. I had always been able to fool everyone, but never you. _

_Never you. _

_I can see how you are rolling eyes and scoffing at my confession, but it is true. Despite all the fights we had and times I pushed you away, you were always the only one who could get to me. Really get to me. You have touched me more profoundly than I thought was possible. _

_I always thought that rules were made to be broken until you came along. You taught me otherwise. I learned that rebellion is not the only way how to make a stand and be heard._

_..._

_You know which was the happiest moment of my life? It was the first time I saw Emily. She was so adorable with those small fingers and wrinkled nose. My girl. She hasn't changed that much over the years, still the apple of my eye. Best thing that ever happened to me._

_..._

_Why is it that only when put on borderline people finally start to understand what is important? We never see the extraordinary when it comes our way disguised as the ordinary. It is the most common mistake humans make throughout centuries._

_..._

_You and I. We have always been so near and yet so far. _

_It is a paradox. _

_Did you know that I feel whole only when I'm with you? _

_No, how could you. I always find a way to push you away, find a way to hurt you although you don't deserve it. _

_I'm sorry for that._

_..._

_There are a lot of regrets in my life, a lot of things I would have done differently, if only given one more chance. _

_Except for one. _

_Maybe it is time to confess the ultimate truth as this might be my very last chance._

_..._

_Meeting you was a fate. _

_Becoming your friend was a choice. _

_But falling in love with you I had no control over. _

_I love you Gillian. I have been in love with you for so long that it scares me. The intensity of feelings has not vaporised with time, only grown stronger. In a way love is like a snow - softer it falls, longer it lingers, deeper it engrains the soul. _

_I love you for what you are, and for what I am when I am with you. I love you for the best of me only you can bring out. That is the ultimate truth._

_You can't imagine how many times I have dreamed to gather the courage and say these words. Only dreams are just dreams, far unreachable stars. Their light guides us through the tangled labyrinths of life, even if we know we can never reach them._

_Love is duality of life itself. It is wonderful, yet horrible feeling. Horrible, because it makes you vulnerable, opens your chest leaving your heart unprotected. Fear of getting hurt or rejected is the sole reason why we build all those walls of defence, draw all these lines. _

_I have been burned more than once, my walls of defence are high, but somehow, without even trying you crossed them all with almost effortless ease._

_You might ask why I never said anything. Rightfully so. Maybe I'm a coward hiding behind lame excuses, but I was afraid to contaminate you, to drag you down into my world. I have always considered you a purer soul and have tried hard as hell to keep it that way._

_As I write these words realisation hits me with sudden clarity. Worst thing one could do with love is to deny it. Denial does not create, it leads to destruction. How I didn't see it before? _

_..._

_Do you remember our very first meeting back at the Pentagon? _

_I do. _

_I remember every little detail. Your hair was long and taken in a pony tail; you wore white blouse and tight knee length skirt. I remember the smell of your perfume and the soft jazz tune that played in the background. _

_As much I wanted to hate you back then, it was impossible. You intrigued me. When our eyes met for the first time, my heart skipped a beat. There was something about you, something I still can't put my finger on that drew me to you. It was not a simple physical attraction, although in all honesty I have to admit it was there. No, it was something deeper and unexplainable. I felt like a moth drawn to a flame, knowing that I could get burned as my whole carrier depended on your evaluation, but unable to resist all the same. _

_..._

_Did you know that it is impossible to fall out of love, no matter how hard you try? _

_It is true. _

_I have been trying to do it for over a decade. It is as hopeless as stopping plants from growing or pope from preaching. _

_Love is a powerful emotion. Once it roots, it never leaves again. _

_True love is eternal. _

_If you think that you loved once, but not anymore, it was either affection or infatuation, but not love. Love has no 'Exit' sign beaming above the rear doors. _

_You can pretend it does not exist, but you can't quit. Trust me, I tried._

_..._

_Your smile reminds me of the sun. It has the same ability to melt the ice and chase away the darkness. Memory of it keeps me sane. _

_I always dreaded that there is some genetic madness in me and maybe there is one. Otherwise I wouldn't screw up so many times, but as long as you are by my side I know that everything will be alright, that I will not lose the touch with reality._

_Remember when you visited me in the mental hospital, the time when under influence of drugs I saw my mother? I never told you that it was you who didn't let me slip away, succumb to the abyss. _

_You have pulled me out of the dark more times than I care to count and I have never even thanked you. I'm sorry, darling. Sorry for everything I put you through, for every line of worry I put on your beautiful face._

_..._

_The cold makes it more and more difficult to concentrate. I can feel my body shut down all the side processes running only the vital ones. My breath puffs in small white clouds in front of my face and tears of cold freeze as soon as they leave the sockets._

_..._

_When I was young I thought that sex was the culmination of intimacy. I thought it was all about hormones and chemical reaction in our blood. Only when I met you I realised that sex was not even the beginning. Real intimacy is when you let someone in your soul, when you share values and dreams, when a person knows all of your deepest, darkest, most dreadful secrets, secrets that no one else in the world knows and yet this person does not think any less of you. In this sense we have been truly intimate for years. _

_Intimacy without a physical contact – sounds almost absurd, but nevertheless true._

_..._

_I know that I'm supposed to let you go, but as unfair and selfish as it is, I can't bring myself to say those words, not even in my mind. I do hope you will find all the happiness you deserve, but please forgive me for wanting you all to myself, at least in my mind during these last hours of my life. _

_I have one last request. You do remember my mother's birthday. You know what I'm talking about. Before you read further please get the small black box that is hidden on the top shelf. There is something inside I want you to have._

His voice stopped there as if waiting for her to comply and she did, she always did when he asked.

Gill had no recollection of leaving the room and moving over empty space to Cal's office. She didn't remember that first two tries to put in the combination of safe failed as her trembling fingers didn't quite cooperate, didn't know that after she retrieved the small velvet box from the depth of the tiny compartment she sat there almost twenty minutes simply staring at it.

Diamond ring fell in her delicate palm when she finally opened the box. It was truly beautiful piece of jewellery. Moving over to the table Gill sat in his chair. It made her feel even closer the man as she resumed the reading.

_That is my mother's ring. I have held it dear for all these years. It was a memory from the past, but more recently I have started to look at it as a beginning of the future. Our future, if I ever gathered the courage to ask you the ultimate question. _

_Now it is too late and I will never know the answer. Nevertheless, it would make me happy, if you would wear it. Whenever you feel lonely or sad, just look at it and know that I'm right there by your side._

_..._

_The trick is to keep breathing. I have to remind myself to inhale, as each breath takes enormous effort. The words in my mind are mingling together and it becomes more and more difficult to write. _

_I have gone through whole emotional cycle – Imperturbability, Anxiety, Anger, Despair, Denial and a while ago stopped at Acceptance. _

_The strangest thing is that when the pre-death agony is over all that is left is peace._

_Please tell Emily that just because I'm no longer there does not mean I am not with her. I'll always be there watching over, keeping her safe, keeping you both safe. _

_I would give ten years of my life to see you and Em for one last time. You both mean everything to me. _

_..._

_Time becomes of essence. My fingers are frozen, mind is barely functional and for some time I have not been able to feel my legs. _

_..._

_Your image shines in front of my eyes like a translucent watercolour dissolving in pastel tones not yet created. I can see your beautiful eyes shining with tears, see the way they fall down your delicate skin. I'm sorry to be the sole reason for your grief. If only things were different, if only there was different ending to this story._

_..._

_There is something sacred in tears. They speak more eloquently than thousand tongues. My eyes are filled with frozen droplets as I write these last words. _

_A part of you has grown in me making me a better person and I will always be thankful for that. No matter what, never change luv. You are perfect just the way you are._

_With unexplainable clarity I see that you and I are bound together for eternity. We will never be apart. There might be a physical distance, but our souls are entwined. My love for you will not die with me, it will live on forever._

_It is not a goodbye, darling. _

_It is a mere beginning of a road yet to be travelled._

_I love you Gillian, _

_Forever_

The last pages were barely readable as Cal's handwriting had become more and more undecipherable since frost bitten fingers refused to cooperate, but even that didn't make his message less clear to the woman. She would have understood it even if he used dots and lines instead of words.

There was no signature, but none was needed. Everything was already said.

Although in physical plan all she had was the piece of paper engraved with heartfelt words and the diamond ring, Gill felt closer to the man than ever before. For the first time in life he had let her in, really let her in. No games, no pretences, no deflection.

Intensity of his feelings was scary, but at the same time unexplainably liberating. Cal Lightman was and would always stay integral part of her life. Nothing could change that. He was right. The bond they shared was stronger than death. It was the definition of infinitive itself.

The slender woman sat in the chair facing the double glass window that connected her with the rest of the world. She was completely still. Only silent rise and fall of her chest and misty glow of eyes indicated that she was not a mannequin, but flesh and blood.

Although her physical body was in the office, her mind was trapped in the endless dazzlingly white fields of snow, senses overwhelmed with almost deafening silence and solitude. It was hers and Cal's moment.

Theirs alone.

Rays of winter's sun caressed shiny object on Gillian's finger, making the stone play in myriad of colourful lights. Afternoon became an evening and evening turned into a night. Street lights shone brightly illuminating rush of a large city. Like blood in the jugular traffic congested the streets, people hurried from one place to another in a desperate try to cheat the time, to beat inevitable march of clock completely unaware how futile their attempts were.

Unbeknown to her, Gill had solved the equation – the puzzle of life. It was not seconds and minutes that counted, haste that made the world go round, it was love. One that didn't have boundaries of time and place, one that took all the shapes and forms, one that didn't cease to exist, one that was indefinite, bright and pure as endless vast of snow.

…their meeting was a fate,

... ... ...their friendship was a choice,

... ... ... ... ... but their love was a force of nature as powerful as an avalanche…

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...force one simply couldn't fight,

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...scary with its power,

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...binding for eternity…

– **FIN –**

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**End note:**

Don't blame me, blame the song that inspired this story.

I know, I know, it seems kind of un-Cal like to dwell so much on emotions, but it was my vision on how his _brilliant mind_ would handle the situation. Not overly consecutive order of thoughts and feelings is deliberate.

Either way, thanks for reading and I hope you don't regret too much for doing so...


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